Author: Matt Morris

@caseyliss I’m casting a vote for “too-ple”

@mrbeefy I recently reset my beard and then did not understand why my neighbors started acting like they didn’t recognize me.

@sirbarrence Pip pip

Does that mean, “England has been threatening to tie the game.”?

“England have been threatening an equalizer.” #sportsball

#Italia http://t.co/Co8nD2xrnc

§5.3.0 If they ask you to rearrange the furniture, try to convince them that this is not necessary.

§4.1.1 Do not exit the house without a house key. They will lock you out and you will have to negotiate for reentry.

§3.1.2 Never allow the children to possess an Allen wrench, for they will disassemble the dining room furniture.

I’m working on a survival guide for potential future babysitters.